Jokes

[Dolphin]

Stevie Wonder gave Ray Charles a cheese grater for Christmas.
It was the most violent book he has ever read.

What was the most useless present ever given?
A front row seat ticket given to Stevie Wonder for a Marcel Marseau concert.

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas to all.
Greg.

[bearmcnally]

THAT,S FUNNY HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH HA HA HA HAHA HAAHAHAHAHAAHAAAHHAAHA

[bearmcnally]

FROM SANTA'S NUT HOUSE .....................................................................................................................

[bearmcnally]

........................................TO BE CONTIUED...

[Dolphin]

Where do sick ships go?

To the Doc.

[Dolphin]

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get
me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, “hurry up for fecks sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, “That's just for starters!'

[bearmcnally]

A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee!!!!

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you
down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee:
"I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You
were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey'... she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..

'I would have been released today'

[bearmcnally]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God..

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!




'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Dolphin]

I was walking through the park the other day.
A girl was approaching me from the oposite direction. There was suddenly this spark between us. She fell to the ground where we made wild passionate love for what seemed ages.
Eventually we both went our separate ways.

Don't you just love those Taser stun guns!

[Dolphin]

The definition of a born loser;

Azaria Chamberlain being re-incarnated as a seal pup.

Btw if you think this is funny, Canada is restarting its seal hunt this week.