Jokes

[Dolphin]

How about including some of your favourite jokes? Remember it should be "appropriate" language.
Greg.

[Dolphin]

What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas.
What do you call a woman on a tennnis court? Annette
What do you call a man with his legs cut off at the knees? Neil.
What do you call a man hiding in a pile of leaves? Russell.
What do you call a man laying on your doorstep? Matt.
What do you call a man nailed to your wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in your swimming pool? Bob.

And
What do you call a man in a hole. Phil.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up him. Warren.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other. Eileen.
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other, Irene.

[bearmcnally]

IT'S A CRACKER

[Miker]

Oh, now you've asked for it.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching???"


She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[Miker]

Three yachties die and meet in heaven. They are standing before God.
"Here in heaven your faithfullness to your wife in life determines what boat you will sail here in heaven"said God.
So the first yachtie says"I must confess I was unfaithful to my wife many times".
So God gives him a Mark 1 Top Hat in really bad condition, it was barely floating and in need of a lot of work. After several attempts to raise the main and pull up the rusty anchor chain, the first yachtie sails away, no outboard at all, just the bare boat and a couple of raggy sails.
The second yachtie says"Lord, I was unfaithful to my wife only once".
So God gives him a really quite nice, serviceable but slightly rough Mark II Top Hat, with just an outboard and in need of a bit of a scrub, which he gladly jumps aboard and sails into the..... do they have sunsets in heaven"?
The third yachtie says "As for me I was never unfaithful to my wife".
So God gives him a brand new never been sailed Mark III with a zero hour diesel, sayes rig, and all the gear for a long distance passage, all ready to go, including fully battened kevlar sails. He can't believe his luck!
A few days later the first two yachties are sailing along and spot the third sitting under bare poles bobbing around on the listful heavenly ocean, crying like there's no tomorrow. They stop and the first says,"what the hell is wrong? You're in heaven sailing the best boat on the planet and your're crying like a little baby!"
The third biker looks up and sniffles"I just saw my wife row by in a leaky wooden dinghy......!"

[bearmcnally]

Hi Guys

Click on this one ? Oldie but a goodie

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... oid=269532


Bear

[Miker]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" He continues.
"No, not at all", she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so sexy when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well,who in the hell is he, then?" he demands!!!
She gently whispers in his ear:
"That used to be me"

[bearmcnally]

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two policeman, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the we can see a picture of the wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows them a picture of his wife.

The policemen look carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me go sailing whenever I want to............!

[Miker]

This thread could live forever.....

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
.......................................

A boater brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat dinner. The dockhand says,
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here tonight. This establishment has a necktie policy for the evening meal and you are not wearing one."

The boater said, "I'm sure I don't have a tie on my boat!"

The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said, "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. I'm sure that will be okay."

After some time, the boater emerged from his cabin sporting a pair of jumper cables. "Sorry", the boater said," but this is all I could find to put around my neck."

Sighing, the dockhand said "okay, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything."
.................................

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a sailing trip. They had moored up for the night and just lazing in the cockpit, having a quiet beer or two, looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." said Watson
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini top!"

Michael

[bearmcnally]

A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.


"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", St. Peter asked.



"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.

"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s ** t out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago." ????????????